4 ever & a day....

Sad to say but I'd wait for you to come around, 4ever & a day...I'll be here 4ever & a day, when everyone turns their back on you I'll still be here, 4ever & a day....hope that some day you'll be able to see that for yourself...one day...& as the tears run down my face tonite I have no idea why I'm even shedding them...the thought of waiting 4ever & a day for my husband to realize that I'm supposed to be his wife hurts so I guess that's why I'll shed em 4ever & a day. It's like I know you but I'm still trying to figure you out...like I love you but I don't want to bc your vision is still blurred so I guess I'm still waiting for it to clear 4ever & a day. I don't want you to want me bc everyone else in your past has moved on...I want you to want me bc YOU want to WANT ME...you're far from perfect & I still fell for ALL of your imperfections now if only you could fall for mine...But while you're still trying to figure it all out I'll wait for you to come around 4ever & a day...moving on isn't hard but it seems like you want me to wait for you & as bad as I try to fight the feeling...you see me standing here still waiting...4ever & a day...=(

The Fiend

I was once "the fiend", the call till u answer & curse me out fiend, the why doesn't he wanna be with me fiend, the write u love letters fiend, the text u till u turned off ur phone fiend, the walk down ur block fiend, the give u my money fiend, the give u my sex fiend, the give u my breath fiend, the give u my life fiend, the give u all of me fiend....& when guys would fiend after me I would fiend after him & he would fiend after her...we were all foolish fiends. Fiending to be wanted, to be loved by someone by that one...by her, by him, by he, by she...with me fiending to be wanted by HE. I gotta admit I definitely overdosed fell flat on my face embarrassed ashamed fiending for a "HE" that didn't value me...(unbeknownst to me) wanting to be with a deadbeat, a sex fiend, an alcoholic, a cheater, a liar, a fool, a theif, a cheat, "a wolf in sheeps clothing" & every time the wolf revealed itself the fiend in me died...little by little she died...thinking to myself y am I fiending degrading myself to please a man that if I one day ever bared his last name his own legacy would be "male whore" therefore making me "the fiend that finally got the male whore"...Y would I want to be known as that "fiend"??? The foolish sheep that let the wolf devour her. We can only claim to be naive but for so long. I would allow u to keep playing me for a fool, to keep thinking I'm that same fiend, BUT since I'm too old to continue to play victim watch ur steps around this fiend bc SHE SHALL FIEND NO MORE!!!!!

I'm Backkk =-)

Hey Guys & Dolls...been a while since I've blogged ((the whole moving from NYC to LA thing had my mind focused on other issues))...I haven't really been in a writing mood but an "I Love You" text recently annoyed the heck outta me, so I figure NOW it's time to vent...I introduce to u "The Fiend"

LOVE ME...LOVE ME NOT

Laying here thinking ab the days when u were once mine...when u first walked up to me & said "OMG UR BEAUTIFUL"...fun times..we grew together, laffed all day made love all nite..ate, slept, woke up, ate, slept, woke up; together we were one, u finished my sentences I finished urs, my breath was ur breath...I coulda swore I saw u in all of my dreams every nite as I lay next to u silently, asleep, praying that u'd never leave me...hoping that u'd stay 4ever..that we'd be together for more than a second, minute, hr, day; that u would decide I was the one b4 I walked out the door just to return again & ur vision still blurred bc u couldn't see....Couldn't see what everyone else saw in u & me...ur vision was distorted & I stayed tryna show u...screaming with no voice, silently waiting with little patience, begging without uttering a word...Started off so beautiful ended so ugly...I didn't give u all of me bc I'm a "girl" I gave u all of me by accident I didn't even mean to fall...fall so hard bc "crazy girls" fall hard. & I'm not crazy just woulda did everything for u... Gave u my last when I didn't even have it gave u my first as soon as I got it all bc u wanted it. I swear some day my loyalty will be the death of me & as I lay here tears falling I still miss that "us" we once were b4 I finally gave up on repairing ur vision. I wanted u to LOVE ME but u decided, then, to LOVE ME NOT...
Thinking I'm never gonna find what we had again bc I've never experienced a love so deep for another being. Everything new is forced & faked, but when they tell me u LOVE ME & ask me if I LOVE u now....I guess...I guess...I LOVE u NOT...
-XoXo

Valentines Day, The Day After

Happy (Belated) Valentines Day Guys & Dolls...I'm uber late with a lot of my posts that I promised to have up bc school is kicking my butt =( I would say the usual "ONLY U CAN LOVE U" hooplah but after analyzing everyone's thoughts pre, post & during VDAY I've decided to revoke that statement LOL...It seemed like this year EVERY guy & doll I came across was "VALENTINE-LESS", to say the least...& I'm NOT going to dwell on how I feel ab that one but for the "MEAN COUPLES" that had nothing but negative comments for those of us that decided to ixney vday just remember that u can be single next year!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA sike I'm just playing (I can't act like I didn't get Anna Sui perfume & lingerie, or any other nice gifts, a few yrs back) my guys & dolls know I LOVE, LOVE & the idea of "together 4everness"...So I send all my LOVE BIRDS best wishes in that department....Just DON'T take each other for granted!
-XoXo

Pick & Choose

So I waited a while to post this one bc I was lost in transition...I'm stumped idk how ppl can say they want to marry a person and then continuously cheat on their alleged "soul mate" with an ex. Why call a guy "hubby" and a doll "wifey" if u don't mean it??? I'm so tired of these titles...when in reality (if u ask me) they mean absolutely NOTHING. I guess some ppl want to be perceived with their significant other as "the perfect couple" but where is ur heart @, bc if ur still cheating ur heart is confused....spend days, nites, weekends hiding from ur real life with ur other hearts desire??? We spend all this time with one person vowing to live happily ever after till death do us part thinking we've found "the one" but still missing that "one". Maybe that's y Swiss left Mashonda for Alicia or y Steve Harvey left his 1st wife for his mistress or y any other guy/doll, for that matter, leaves a 10 year+ relationships, bc they've found that thing in the next person & they've fallen out of love with the previous...Leaving the other to try to pick up broken pieces...kids, home. All u've ever known, diminished, gone, vanished, ERASED; only distant memories of what was b4. I can totally relate to how it feels to think ur "wifey/hubby" for so long & ur spouse tells u its over/ u find out ab another person and now ur "prefect couple" image has shattered. So u've decided "I'm gonna waste my confused yrs with him/her & spend the rest of my life (my years of realization) with who I really wanted to be with but wasn't sure" multiple kids & 1 (or more) divorce(s) later??? That's why I truly believe that the only thing constant in life is in fact CHANGE. I can't help anyone choose I can only continue to be myself & hope that an ex doesn't realize that we're supposed to be together 5/6/7 yrs down the line bc they know that they chose right...& I pray that I don't fall victim to this but like they say "IT'S LIFE & SH*T HAPPENS"

"SINGLE"

This term seems to cause a bit of confusion for a lot of ppl, so let me clarify for those that think a "single" guy/doll is "sad"...I've been in a "relationship" since I was 14 years old, on & off, consecutive years with a few "exes"...from 14 to ab 20 (6years) and every other "something" I was in was for more than a year. NEVER alone for more than a month. My first 2 years "SINGLE", a few months without "dating"/getting back with "exes", all I've known is being with a guy b/c I thought that's what us dolls are supposed to do...Find a guy & "settle" for a while till the flame dies & the next one sweeps us off our feet. Took me a while before I finally decided to be BY MYSELF. SO FOR ANYONE TO ASSUME SINGLE PPL SIT @ HOME & CRY ALL NITE B/C THEY DON'T HAVE SOMEONE TO BE WITH; UR WRONG!!!!!!!! Especially when most of ur past hurts & every tear u shed was caused by someone u thought u couldn't live without. IDK how much more I can stress that I ENJOY BEING SINGLE...I'm not saying I want this 4ever BUT I do just wanna enjoy this time to get to know myself better, get to know what I really want from a future significant other, get to know where my life will take me...so PLEASE for these few "single" years I choose to have don't label me something I'm NOT. I AM VERY happy with myself right now & I'm still working on being the WOMAN I would LOVE to be! For those of u that don't know there a lot of us guys/dolls that get approached EVERY 5 SECs (I get a phone #, a compliment, a date request, any type of advance from the opposite sex...every sec of every minute of every day) we're "SINGLE" by choice. I 4 one am not one of those ppl to cry single b/c I can't find a "good guy" I've dated the bad & good...MORAL: We know what we are capable of getting we just choose this route b/c it's less stressful...actually DON'T call me "single" anymore call me "SELFISH" b/c I'M NOT READY TO SHARE MYSELF WITH ANYONE....I'M LOVING ME MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE CAN RIGHT A/B NOW!!!!!!-XoXo

Relationship Advice...

I know I'm not the only one who's ever said it but: DON'T I repeat DON'T take relationship advice from ur friends (unless ur in dire need/ if u know they have ur best interest @ heart) Even though I'm single I get tired of seeing long lasting relationships take a turn for the worst just b/c ur "friend" thinks ur guy/doll is "smothering u" (or whatever outlandish reason they make for u to break up). Needless to say its true that when some ppl are single they're miserable & misery sure does love company...think ab it ur in a good relationship, ur both not perfect, u have areas u can definitely work on in order to take it to the next level & then u have a petty fight ab....lets say....the phone bill u tell ur single "miserable" friend (& u can tell they're miserable *relationship wise* b/c they ALWAYS have something negative to say) & they make it seem like ur spouse is controlling u & u need to break it off immediately b/c clearly that won't be "good 4 u in the long run"....NOW ur single & they get into a relationship a week later & they're doing everything they tried to preach to u ab not doing & they've found their soul mate & love of their life in less than a week...while u just dumped ur spouse of 4/5 yrs bc of a stupid phone bill u both had money to pay...MORAL: Don't listen to those "miserable" friends, unless of course like I said, they have ur best interest @ heart...NO GUY/DOLL is perfect & if ur fine with the type of relationship ur in then that's all that matters!!!!!

Why do ppl "LOVE"?

LOVE IS DEFINED as the emotion of strong affection and personal attachment. Love is interpreted many different ways by many different ppl...how u see love is how u interpret it (at least in my opinion). As a child if u see a man hit a woman & she keeps running back ur going to assume that the love of that couple is based on anger just as if u grew up watching a promiscuous woman parading around diff men using sex to keep them then u think her love is based on sex/sexual favors...of course LOVE for all of us is deeper than that...its all of our emotions wrapped into one; Emotions of anger, happiness, sorrow, vulnerability, ego, frustration, fulfillment, hope, doubt, depression, confusion, etc. Theoretically our brains are designed to control our sensory neurons...when u see something that sparks ur senses u react & u take the necessary steps in order for u to gain some sort of goal. Animal/Primal instinct, makes us no different than other species EXCEPT for the fact that humans have more of an ability to interpret, reason & rationalize/ put things into perspective. We've labeled our affection for each other as "like": "I LIKE him/her", then when it becomes more than "like", its "lust", with the ending result SOMETIMES being LOVE, where we go above and beyond for one another bc now we're in "LOVE"....seriously though LOVE can mean anything we want it to & it can be defined as whatever we deem fit. Ppl "LOVE" bc its part of our natural instinct to have affection for one another u "love" ur mom, ur dad, ur brother/sister, bff, etc. It's simply an action given a name. But what if it wasn't called love??? Then we'd all just _______ each other. Now y do ppl "LOVE" so hard???? That's another question...

U gotta let me go baby, u gotta let me go....

After a friend of mine posted a stat on FB "Lettin go when ur heart tells u other wise..............sucks!!" I thought to myself what makes some of us go & what makes others stay; we wanna believe that only "ride or die wifeys" stay down 4 life but is that even really true...what if staying just simply means ur enabling someone to continue to be lazy & dependent or better yet a cheater...it's weird bc if u stay u let the madness continue n then u only have yourself to blame but if u leave ur left alone tryna pick up the pieces of where u left off. & then it becomes am I better off alone or should I go back bc now I'm lonely. I've fought long n hard with this one tryna tell myself that going back can possibly make a rekindled flame bring us back to where we once were but then I get upset @ myself when we start playing the games again...."I HATE U, I LOVE U"...I gave almost EVERY "relationship" I was in a 2nd, 3rd, 4th & 5th chance thinking maybe next time it would work, maybe if I do things this way they'd like that better, maybe if I changed my hair, maybe if I started being nicer, maybe if I went back to being a b*tch again...I finally learned to let go when the bad outweighed the good. This is not only 4 my Dolls bc LOVE is a 2 way street & I know alotta guys get taken advantage of as well. We all have to remember that SOMETIMES our hearts can in fact steer us wrong but then we just need to go back to using our brain...
((THE HEART IS THE STRONGEST MUSCLE IN THE HUMAN BODY & THEREFORE CAUSES US THE MOST PAIN))

Ex Chronicles

My "Ex" told me that he still LOVES me n he's never gonna leave me alone even after the last time he swore he'd leave me alone...still waiting 4 the day they all decide to leave me alone =/...So y do guys still chase after the past after they've moved on??? I'm tired of ppl saying it's the sex bc spending QT together just talking, reminiscing n laffing tryna resurface the "good old days" is more than just the SEX -_-

11 Years & 3 Tatoos Later...

Guys PLEASE don't label every girl a "whore"...& Dolls don't confuse ur bfs "side piece" for a "slut"...there's a reason he can't let her go, she's probably the one he let get away...b4 he settled 4 u

Music...

Click play under the dancing duckie & enjoy the tunes while u browse lol
-XoXo

Reality...

I'm not expecting my blog to blow up or for alotta ppl to comment....I'm hoping though that some ppl can enlighten me on why we make the choices we make while in a relationship...why do some of us love so HARD, while others don't love at all...What is it in us that makes us different besides our backgrounds...My parents separated when I was younger I haven't seen REAL LOVE ever, yet I still manage to fall head over heels & give my all to a guy who's parents have been together for 20years & he can't even say  "Liz I really like u" lolol...I wonder what makes us this way...???

In the beginning

1st blog 4 the nite just cuz I'm tryna figure this all out...